Boundaries are Bridges to Keep the Good in and the Bad Out

The Power of Boundaries: Protecting Your Peace and Enhancing Leadership

In this episode, we explore the essential role of boundaries in achieving sustainable success and effective leadership. Discussing why boundaries are crucial, Erin shares personal experiences and relatable anecdotes to underline the importance of protecting one’s time, energy, and peace. The episode covers practical steps for setting and communicating boundaries, and discusses how this can prevent burnout, enhance productivity, and foster a healthier work-life balance. Listeners are encouraged to define and enforce their boundaries to achieve clarity, empowerment, and long-term success in both personal and professional life.

00:00 Introduction to Boundaries
00:55 Personal Story: Learning Boundaries
02:39 The Importance of Boundaries in Leadership
04:17 Case Study: The Efficient Nurse
10:08 Practical Steps for Setting Boundaries
18:46 The Power of Clarity and Empowerment
37:26 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

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Transcript

Microphone (Yeti Stereo Microphone): 0:36

You don't have to light yourself on fire to keep everyone warm. Boundaries, they are not barriers. They are bridges and they are here to protect your peace. We talk a lot about leadership, resilience and success, but the truth is none of that matters. Is possible without one key skill and that's boundaries. If you're feeling overworked, overwhelmed, or resentful, it's time to take a step back and ask yourself, Am I protecting my time, my energy, and my peace? In today's episode, we are diving deep into the power of boundaries and what they are, why they're so hard to set, and how they can transform the way you lead and live. Okay, let me just tell you, my nine year old daughter has better boundaries than me. There, I said it. What that tells you is, I am a much better teacher than a person who lived it out her entire life. Although, I am very proud of the progress that I have made because as a person who, likes to be heroes and problem solvers and the sister in Encanto that can carry the load because that's her strength and that was the normal pace of my life for the majority of my life. People pleaser, problem fixer, people fixer, people fixer. Codependent, caregiving was a way to hide some of the hurts that I was not wanting to deal with. being a top performer, earning my worth through achievement. Those were all things that made me, me, right? So when I started learning about boundaries, I started understanding that there's a different way to live. And I think I want to live that way. Right? so I started diving in to boundaries and I started actually changing things for the better, while I was inside of a community, but I am a lot better now, although sometimes I fall off the wagon, but I, I'm doing much better and so I wanted to bring some of the. stuff that I learned and I'm using and I'm teaching people to you on this podcast. One thing that I realized when we are a people pleaser and a fixer and, wanting to be people's heroes and then feel resentment about it, we are actually being enablers. When we want to hide people, shelter them from hurt, from dealing with life's hard consequences of their choices, we are doing them an injustice. Because struggle equals strength, if you can build the skill of resiliency. And if people can't build the skill of resiliency, they're always going to be stuck. Because of the struggle, but if we allow them to walk through the pain of learning Then we allow them to build the skill of resiliency, and I think that mindset has helped Especially if I'm a leader inside of a community, and I want more freedom, and I need my managers to be more Accountable and I be accountable because if they're accountable and I'm accountable each of us have more freedom If we learn the patterns of what to avoid we create a better world Boundaries and pattern recognition to solve problems, which equals more freedom because we're being proactive, but we have to be able to view that boundaries are our friend. And that a little discomfort builds skills to be sustainably successful throughout the career. Long term success. So it's really, really important. Okay. I here's where I learned about boundaries the most. I had a nurse. She was a great nurse. Actually, one of the best nurses I've ever worked with. She was a single mother. She had a daughter. She was going through a divorce. And she was the only are in for a 64 apartment memory care community. Now, in the state of Alabama, and our end has the biggest job, the biggest job, because they can, they are the ones that can do certain things. They, they hold a big amount of the regs inside of their, actions based on the fact of assessments, monthly assessments. Assessments, care plans and comprehensive assessments that at the time only our ends could do 64 apartments. Okay. And we were pretty much full all the time. So, I am struggling at the time coming back being the executive director over memory care and assisted living, which was a total of 124 residents occupancy wasn't great operational success wasn't great. And I'm trying to be everything to everyone and that was. my struggle at the point trying to turn this community around because that was really, really important to me, but she, this RN was able to get the majority of her work done from 745 to 445. I mean, like, a hard cut off at 445 now, every nurse before her and every nurse after her couldn't get half of the work that she could get done. Inside a nine hour day. And every day she left at 4. 45, every day. And I was leaving at 8. 45, 7. 45, somewhere around those times. And let me tell you something, I started getting really resentful. And in fact, I had a nurse in a previous life that got very resentful of me being able to leave at 5 and her having to stay late, but that's another story that we'll talk about later. Anyways, I find myself in the same position because it's like, if I'm staying late, you should be staying late. Which is an unhealthy thought pattern. Or, are you sure you're doing your job since you can leave everyday at 4. 45? But what I realized, after taking some time and looking into her work, I valued her ability to actually be consistent, be proactive, look at patterns, solve them, get them done, and then take what work she could home. She was able to identify what could be done at home and what had to be done here. She had a system and she knew what not to work on. And get her attention away to and her energy to in the community and what to keep her energy on. She built relationships with the LPNs in the community. She gave them delegated, you know, authority and tasks to them. They got it done. She helped with certain key areas. Like she knew the flow and what to be successful. That is power. That is power. We had some of the best memory care surveys while she was in the community. She was on vacation even once when the survey happened and she was able to answer a question off the cuff to the surveyor, which was amazing. And it was the power of boundaries. It was also the power of, I have to go pick up my daughter and nothing, I have no one to help me, right? So necessity certainly does help. And so here's what I took away. She defined what success looked like to her. I have to pick. I have to leave this community at 445 every day to pick up my daughter from after school care. There was an end point. And so every part of the day. Was viewed knowing where her end point was and why. Which is powerful how many of us, me included have an end point that pushes back because we don't value our time enough because we think. That what we need to do may not be that important. Now, some of us have no problem setting boundaries and congratulations. If that's you, just use this as a reinforcement of how good you are, right? But some of us have to understand, if I have to leave this community at 530, I have to leave this community at 530, and I am the one that's responsible for my time throughout the day. No one else, because I'm in control of where I give my time, my energy, and what tasks I get done to ensure success for the next day, right? If we don't value our time, we're never going to insert those boundaries because other people will always be more important. Their needs, their problems, or we will think that we have to solve every problem, right? Because that's the only way that things are going to get done. Toxic thought number one. It may take time to build people to solve their problems. But you have to start investing in that time now. Start saying, I have to leave at 530 today. I need you to do whatever it is to help me be able to leave that. And then to reciprocate that same trust and respect to them when they need to do that. I started telling my concierge, who was really my administrative assistant or even assistant administrator, if you want to be honest, I have to leave today at 3 30 or I have this kid party that I have to go to and she would ensure. And she would help me protect my time. And if you have that person, utilize that person. And then do the same thing for that person and you build that relationship. It's really, really important. So, the first step is you have to value your time. You have to value your energy. You have to value your peace. You have to value what you give to others. And how to protect that so you can continue to give that to others. Okay, so let's talk a little bit more about why boundaries matter more than ever. Most of us were never taught how to set boundaries. I wasn't. In fact, I was taught to be helpful, to be agreeable, to push through. And all that's important because that is certainly resilience building in those really, really tough times define who we are. no one told me that without boundaries that success turns into stress passion turns into exhaustion and leadership becomes a burden instead of a privilege. And that is really, really important. We work in a 24 hour a day, seven day a week, 365 day a year business. Okay. We are passionate, purposeful, people centered leaders, and that passion can turn into exhaustion very quickly if we're not careful. Leadership, when it starts becoming a burden, instead of a privilege, these are red flags that we need to start looking into what is going on and why. And this is why boundaries are important. And again, there are people who set amazing boundaries, right? And then there are people who create barriers. Feel as if they're not working hard enough unless they are exhausted, right? Unless they solve all the problems today, and that is not the point of being a leader inside of a senior living community. In fact, you can't do everything. Let me just tell you that. You can't do everything. You are too valuable to you. To do everything to solve every problem. The true test of great leadership inside of the community is if you don't have to solve any problems. Wouldn't that be great? That comes over time and part of that's part of those steps is boundaries because we know that boundaries Keep the good in and keep the bad out, right? What do you like to do best? What do you need today? How am I feeling today? Because I can't do X, Y, and Z if I am this tired, exhausted. I certainly can't have hard conversations. And I don't have a lot of empathy and compassion today. Boom! Awareness. Now, boundaries. Somebody's gonna have to step in for me. Transparency, vulnerability, you don't have to go into why, you just have to say, I can't. And that's okay. Because you're setting an example for other people to do the same thing. Because why do something that you know you can? Why make something worse when it could be better? Or it could get better with someone else handling it, right? Boundaries are not barriers. And I think that's the biggest lesson to learn. They are bridges to a healthier leadership. Period. But you have to be aware. You can't fix what you're not aware that is broken. You have to value yourself, your energy, your peace, your time, and the value of what success looks like today, in this moment, right? The more successful that you are and the more boundaries that you need, which I think is really, really important. Sometimes when our communities are low occupancy, we're fighting to grow the occupancy and we're fighting to keep residents from moving out. And we're trying to problem solve. But the problem with that is there's fewer residents. And now as you grow your occupancy, there's more residents. There's more dynamics. And I think that you have to be prepared to figure out how to manage the growth effectively. For yourself. Valuing your time, your peace, your energy, and your mindset. And burnout isn't from working hard. Because we're all hard workers. For the most part, right, that work in senior living, it's more from over functioning without protection. I'll do it. Nevermind. I'll just do it. It's not going to get done. Right? If I don't do it, I'll handle this and I'll handle that because somebody else is telling you their boundary, right? If we are not training people on how to problem solve, seeing the patterns, understanding why we do certain things. The, the policies, procedures, the regulations, all the things, and how to apply that to real life scenarios. We will over function without protection. We will believe we are the only ones that can do that. And if we don't give people the opportunity to be better, do better, grow better, then we will never get out of the vicious cycle that we are in. Burnout isn't about the hours that we put in the day. It's about the energy that we are extending, that we are like churning through, that we are forcing ourselves to do in areas that we don't want to do, other people should be doing, right? When we live in this pool of resentment because we say that we will solve the problems, when somebody else is probably capable. For years, I thought the problem was the industry, the workload, the constant demands, but it wasn't entirely the profession of senior living's fault, right? It was my inability to protect myself. I was chasing significance. By trying to fix everything, grow occupancy, be at the top of the list, overachieve. I put my worth in the outcomes and it wasn't until I realized the power of the group of people that I had with me, the influence that I had with them, the purposeful driven leaders that I had with that they were that were on my team. And I realized they were capable. And they were following my lead. And what's interesting is I wanted more for them than I wanted for myself, which is classic, right? But problematic. And I realized if I protect their time from manager on duty, Like if I'm a manager on duty and I can protect their time, then they will start protecting my time, and they did. And one of the ways that I was able to set some boundaries and not try to call them if I was manager on duty, and to protect my time when I was off, is to figure out what everybody needed from me before I took the time off, and then what I needed from everybody else before I became the manager on duty. Because then that protected their time. Like on Thursday, I'm gonna start talking about Saturday when I'm manager on duty. What's the schedule? What are we thinking about? Who's actually gonna come to work and who's not? Who's, who's iffy? Right? what's on the menu? Do we have everything that we need for the menu? I mean, you have to think about the problem areas in your community and really start looking at the weekend on Thursday to look about staffing, logistics, all these things, because the more, you know, the more that you can protect. And you can say to them, I want to make sure that I don't have to call you this weekend, or that anyone doesn't have to call you because I'll be manager on duty and I'll be able to handle it. And the same thing goes for if you take a PTO day or a vacation, you start setting people up, because if we just aren't aware and then we don't make any plans and then we get a call and then we get frustrated. But what didn't we do? We did not protect what was important to us, because we didn't know. And I think it's really, really important for us to be aware, because boundaries aren't just about saying no, right? That's not what boundaries are. Boundaries are about protection. of what we value most, of what we need most at this moment, right? They determine what in your life becomes a blessing and what becomes a curse. And if you're constantly frustrated, exhausted, and resentful, this is a sign that we have to check your boundaries. If you feel like you can't take a day off without getting a call, we're feeling frustrated, exhausted, or resentful, right? We gotta do something different. This is the accountability piece. You are accountable. You are responsible for protecting your boundaries. What can you do? You cannot expect people to do what they don't know, do what they don't see, Right? They mirror the actions of the leaders. So, if you feel resentful because people keep asking for more or they keep calling, then we gotta work on what they need from you before you take the time off. Right? If you feel exhausted because you're doing more than your fair share, we gotta realize what people don't know. We have to become aware so we can fix it. Education equals empowerment. Right? Empowerment is a skill that people will learn by messing up. What can you give people to do to build the skill of handling problem solving? Right? If you feel angry and haven't communicated what you need, that again falls in your lap. Right? And then if you feel guilty for prioritizing yourself, That is a mindset concern because if you want other people to be their best versions of their self, right? On the A game when they come to work, they need to prioritize themselves. When they're on their A game, then it's better for you, right? When you're on your A game, it's better for them. Resentment isn't about what others are doing. Okay? That's what we have to understand. It's about the boundaries that we haven't set or that we haven't communicated. Okay? We are the ones that have set in our heads these ideas, but never communicated to anyone. And if you're tired, frustrated, or overworked, your body is telling you something. You gotta listen, which is, it's time to set or adjust a boundary. I have been tired, overworked, and very, very frustrated, and I've had to, and I have worked through those feelings, and I've become very, very, very resentful. Created such negative energy in my life, which then attracted negative energy in my life. It wasn't until I realized that the scale was off, when I started feeling a lot of anxiety, I mean, a lot of anxiety, I realized that the scale in my life was off. was off. I either spent too much time in the community and not enough time at home with the kids, or I've spent too much time at home with the kids on vacation or away, and I wasn't aware of the pulse of the community. And when I started feeling that level of anxiety, I knew that I needed to figure out where the scale was that I could tip it back. And if you can become aware like that. Then you can make the necessary changes for yourself, right? So sit with the anxiety for a little bit sit with that resentment for a little bit and figure out What it is Sometimes it's just sadness Right. I mean we lost somebody or something We didn't make it to an event and so it could be elements of grief. I think it's important to note that There's a lot of people inside the senior living profession that have had some hard, hard, hard lives. Hard personal situations that they've had to overcome, or maybe they haven't. I know for me, being a caregiver and being a problem solver, those dopamine hits. I mean, those are powerful walking down the hall, being told I looked good today. Thanking me for solving a problem. I love the meal today, you know, helping somebody move in, helping them solve the problems in the, you know, during discovery on a tour. Like, I loved those things. It made me feel very, very, very important, happy, but it also hit a lot. of wounds that I wasn't even aware of. You know, people become addicted to all kinds of things and caregiving is one of them because you're so busy helping other people that you don't realize that you're running yourself into the ground. And when we become aware of why we're angry, why we're exhausted, and why we feel guilty with putting ourselves first. Or giving ourselves time. We realize we don't have to set ourselves on fire to keep other people warm. It's their responsibility to do their job, to build their skills, to learn how to problem solve, and to ask for help when they need it. And it's our responsibility to follow up, follow through, inspect what we expect, build relationships, and watch our teams grow. Any good leader is going to want leaders underneath them because leaders underneath them multiply success. You're not be scared to have your director of nursing or your sales director be so successful. Because when they're so successful you have more freedom. And freedom is good. Freedom is what we want. Freedom is how we become sustainable. In fact, freedom is what everybody is looking for now. And if you want freedom, you have to have boundaries. You And you have to grow leaders inside of your community. So how do we set and communicate boundaries? Ooh, one of the biggest problems is that we set boundaries. One of the biggest problems is that we set boundaries and we don't communicate them. That is a communication problem. It's not a person problem. It's not an outside person problem. It's an inside communication. Here's what I need today, and then not reinforcing them, right? So, one of the biggest fears about setting boundaries is this. If I set a boundary, people won't like me. Yep, maybe. Not entirely. here's the irony in that piece, because I certainly felt that way. Boundaries actually strengthen relationships. Because they create clarity. And as Brene Brown says, clear is kind. But really, going from chaos to clarity is a journey that will always be a journey. Beneficial to everybody. I think some of the biggest problems inside communities is the lack of communication from layer to layer. The more you communicate what, why and how the more we reduce gossip, we create empowerment and we create leaders and synergy inside our community. So, here's some practical steps for setting boundaries. Number 1, set a boundary and communicate it. People cannot read your mind. I cannot read your mind, right? Feedback is important. Understanding that people need to know what you want from them. And then you give them the opportunity to live up to that or to not hit the mark, which is a right that they have. And then you follow up, follow through, and mentor and work through the process. And ask for what you need. And believe the answer when you get it. Right. Number one, set a boundary and communicate it. Number two, ask for what you need. And if you don't get it, it's not your fault. And then you have to start believing who people are by the actions that they show you consistently. Right. And this is where you have to enforce your boundaries. Which takes process, right, to get that strong. Because if somebody doesn't respect your boundaries, then I think that then boundaries do become barriers because they're keeping the bad out and they're allowing the bad in. Because all of a sudden you're going to start creating more positive energy and you're going to attract the people with that positive energy. Number three, be okay with people falling away. Here we go. If you ask for what you need and you see who's giving it to you or not, who's not respecting your boundaries, you have to be okay with people who cannot respect boundaries, who cannot grow in their leadership skills, who cannot handle their department, who cannot handle the tasks, who don't respect you enough. To give you your peace. And those are important. Those are important lessons to learn. when people fall away, you have to let them, you have to believe them. And you have to tell yourself, let me live the best life that I can. Let me do what I need to succeed. Let me take care of myself so I can be a leader and grow the way that I want. I have lost some amazing people in my life and I realized that where I was going in my life, they couldn't go for whatever reason. It was theirs. I mean, when I had my son at 28 weeks, I lost one of the most important people in my life and it was because she couldn't handle the Seeing me hurt with a child with a physical need, like a trick. That loss hurt. I mean like, deeply hurt. Rejection is a core wound of mine. That loss hurt. I poured a lot of my life into her. But she couldn't handle the pain. And so she had to leave. And I couldn't chase after her. Because I had more important things that I had to take care of. And I didn't create that boundary or enforce that boundary. That boundary was clearly made for me and there was nothing I could do to change it. And other people entered my life and gave me exactly what I needed. I couldn't be who I was for my friend because I was a caregiver to my grandmother and now a caregiver to a son who had some really, really unique and powerful needs for me. And I had to be okay. I had to work through the hurt I had to. And even now, you know, living a life, having a podcast and all, you know, all these other things, you have to be aware of who is here to serve you and who is here to hurt you. And inside of a community or in any level that you're in, you have to be aware of that. and be okay with people not being able to go where you're going because of skill. And then to say, if I want more freedom and more peace and to protect my time, because I'm worth it, then I need more people who can do X, Y, and Z. You set the boundaries. You say, this is what I need. They either do it or they can't, and you see it and you make decisions. And then, Be brave. Number four, be brave and enforce it. People will, people will either accept boundaries, need clarification, or resist because they struggle with boundaries themselves. You got to be brave. You have to be courageous. This is you. You're important. Because if you're not there, someone else will be. You know, if you're a mother, if you're not here for your kids, they're not going to have you, which is really, really important. So number five, stop abandoning yourself. You The validation that I always craved from certain people was just a projection of the validation that I craved for me. When you start showing up for yourself based on what you want and what you need, you're going to start seeing, Oh my gosh, this is what I needed all, all along, right? So saying I don't want to is a powerful phrase in setting boundaries. Now that may be more of a personal phrase. Right, but I don't want to is an important phrase that you can say you don't need to justify it with a why You need space time or limits that doesn't matter. It's just that I don't want to that's not something that I can do right now Inside of a community or as a leader in a professional sense you can say at this time I don't have the capacity to do that, but I can help you By giving you an outline of how to do it. I'll be more than happy to support you, but I can't do that, or I'm not going to be able to make the meeting at 5 30 today. If we can reschedule for in the morning at 9 0. A. M. that will be great. And here's the boundary that I learned from my sales and marketing director. Actually, I used to say, you can contact me anytime. I'll have my cell phone with me all the time. I would say that to family members. All the time. Now, there are zero boundaries in that comment. Zero. But I heard her say, I'm in the office between 8 and 5 p. m. every day. You can reach me during any time during those hours. And I heard her say that a lot, and I didn't, I didn't really think anything of it. But then I realized, oh my gosh. You know, she's setting the boundaries to everybody. Now, she's still got phone calls on the weekends and after hours, and those were unique calls, but she wasn't, she didn't give someone an open invitation to call her anytime. That was powerful. And she was still highly valued in the community. She was telling people how to treat her time. And I started following in her footsteps, right? So, to me, clarity is empowerment, right? You cannot fix what you are not aware of that's broken. And empowerment gives you strength. Empowerment gives your leaders strength. Boundaries do not make you selfish. They make you a strong leader and you influence other leaders to do the same thing because we're losing nurses. We're losing sales and marketing directors. We're losing key people because we want them to sacrifice everything and we don't have to. We just have to do better in the time allotted. The ultimate leadership skill is not just setting boundaries, it's getting clear on what you actually need. Because when you are clear, you gain control and control leads to confidence. And I say control very loosely because let me tell you something, you're not in control. Control is the biggest lie that is ever told. I believe you control what you, you become. Aware of what you can control and what you can't and you stop trying to control the things that you can't you become wise. Right influence is more powerful than control, but you can actually influence in a powerful way by identifying what you can control and what you can't control and you put all of your energy on what you can. And then you be able to communicate well, these are the things that I can't control. But over here is what we can to influence this situation, and that's clarity. Clarity equals empowerment. Empowerment equals strength. Strength equals boundaries. And all of that equals success. So when you have clarity, you're going to reduce the chaos. And when you have boundaries, you set the standard for how you are treated. How you are to be treated is why the boundaries are important, because you're giving people the remote control. You're giving people the manual on how to treat you, which is really, really important, but you have to be aware of what you want and your own value first. Right? When you have boundaries, you protect your energy and you show up for your, your family and yourself. So, I'm going to leave you with a final thought. You can't control what others do, but you can control your response. your boundaries, and what you allow to influence you. The more clarity you gain, the more boundaries you can set, and the more freedom you create in your life and your leadership. You are not your struggle. You are the strength and resilience that your struggle brought you, number one. Number two, you have to define success. For yourself and family, friends, spiritual, emotional, and physical components in your life. Family, friends, spiritual, emotional, and the physical aspects of your life. What does success look like in those areas? Right? And then answer these questions. Where do I feel the most resentment? Am I not getting enough time with the kids? Am I not getting enough time with the husband? Am I not being able to You know, do the things, work out, go to church, meditate, whatever it is that you're feeling resentful for. Getting my hair cut, going on vacation, whatever it is, right? And then what boundary do I need to set or adjust to make more of that happen? And then what's one thing that I can do today to reclaim my time and energy? And it may be just taking a lunch or leaving at five o'clock, right? Awareness creates intention and intention creates success. If you focus on the right things. So set your boundaries. And if you have somebody who needs to listen to this, share this episode. It's really, really important. It's life changing. It is a practice that I practice every day and I'm getting better and I don't let people intrude or walk through the boundaries that I have set for myself. What success is to me, I have to value. And it's the same thing for you. I hope this helps. Begin setting your boundaries today, because burnout can be turned into rebuilding if you focus on the right things. So, as always, aspire for more for you. And thank you for your time.