Aspire for More with Erin
Aspire for More with Erin
Fierce and Gentle Leadership: How to Reclaim your energy Before it is Too Late w/Dr. Kimber Del Valle
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What if burnout isn’t failure—but feedback?
In this deeply moving and practical conversation, Dr. Kimber Del Valle, psychologist, author, and creator of The Fierce + Gentle Method, joins Erin to explore how our nervous system shapes every aspect of leadership, energy, and resilience.
Together, they unpack how chronic urgency, unhealed stress, and emotional triggers show up in our leadership—and how awareness, presence, and regulation can restore capacity and peace.
From real-world examples in senior living and healthcare to Dr. Kimber’s powerful personal story of loss and renewal, this episode will remind you that your body isn’t your enemy; it’s your greatest guide back to balance.
Key Takeaways
- 🔹 Burnout isn’t exhaustion—it’s a loss of capacity. Learn to recognize when your “gas pedal” and “brake” are out of sync.
- 🔹 Regulation is a leadership skill. Awareness of your nervous system directly affects your decision-making, empathy, and boundaries.
- 🔹 Emotional urgency is real. Especially in healthcare, leaders must learn to pause before reacting to triggers.
- 🔹 You matter. I matter. We matter. Dr. Kimber’s framework for empathy, boundaries, and collective healing.
- 🔹 The power of awe. How noticing beauty, nature, and small moments resets your nervous system and rebuilds capacity.
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Thank you for being here today on this episode. I'm so excited to talk to Dr. Kimber Valier, who is a psychologist. She's also the author of a book called Still Making a Hole When Parts Go Missing. Love that title. She's also the host of a podcast of her own called, I Thought I Was Over This, where she guides listeners out of overwhelm back into their bodies with practical tools for the nervous system regulation through her fierce, gentle method. She teaches that fierce. Gets you into the healing work and gentle allows you to become it. She's all about the pause, which we know we're about here too, which allows you to transform your stress into presence and embodied practices that move you from racing thoughts into intentional living. Her work centers on grabbing the awe in your every day as well as grieving what was or is. And releasing what could have been and claiming what can be. Woo. Because when we name what's happening in our bodies, we can change it. And your epic story emerges. I don't, I feel like we shouldn't even have to go into a hook of what this episode is, because That bio is amazing. So welcome Dr. Kimber.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Thank you so much. It is a blessing to be here. I so love what you are about. It is needed. Leaders, especially in this industry and healthcare, and just in these helping communities are needing support and love and I love what you're doing.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:thank you. I, was so excited to have you on this, episode because talking about our nervous systems and talking about burnout is not something that we do on a very deep level. Especially in the senior living industry, especially in healthcare. obviously you're a doctor yourself. You understand that We ignore the signs. I ignore the signs, right? and we have to stop doing that. And, it is. I speak a lot about trauma informed leadership. but, and it's really like the body that keeps the score. And we think that if we just push through and push through that, it will stop talking to you, but it doesn't until it stops you. The burnout treadmill that no one trained us for, hello healthcare workers.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yes. And even sometimes when we go and get further education, that just feels like it's feeding it because you go to class, you do these trainings, it's like you are trained to grind it out that's a system that doesn't always honor. Hey, your nervous system actually has two sides. It has a gas pedal and it has a break. Where we can rest and digest. And so many systems, at least in Western society, ignore that part. And so we are so used to the gas pedal until the gas pedal doesn't work anymore.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah, it's so true.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:arrived at burnout.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah. So define for me burnout from a nervous system perspective, from your perspective, the expert. I could give you mine, but I am more interested in yours. How do you define burnout from a nervous system perspective For what our body is telling us so we can be aware of it.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yeah, so I like to define the nervous system. very simply, like it's the body's communication network. It helps your mind communicate, your brain, communicate to your body, and so we have this network. It helps us sense things. You and I right now are sensing things inside of ourselves, inside of our environment. how we move when we walk our, we have our nervous system is communicating how far is the ground beneath my foot when we think about things. It has an integration of. these sensory experiences, plus our memories that we have about the situation we're in, our thoughts. So the nervous system just communicates all the time. It doesn't stop when we sleep. And so that is one way that I define, the nervous system. And again, I like to think of your nervous system as having a brake pedal, Fancy term is, that's the parasympathetic, that's the rest and digest. and then we have a gas pedal and that is the activation. And sometimes in trauma informed work, we get confused and say activation is bad. I just wanna clarify. Being activated, it gets you out of bed in the morning, it. When we are activated, we can be excited, we can be joyful. So the gas pedal is needed, but where we get stuck is when we are constantly on a loop of activation in fight or flight, which as you talk about then can eventually lead to freeze or fawning. And we have to be aware of where our system is. So that's how I like to talk about the nervous system. simply, we have a gas pedal, we have a break and burnout. To me, how I like to see it is it has three components we can get exhausted. Just physically fatigued. We are drained. We're running on empty. Maybe we feel like our gas tank is rusted. It can't even hold any gas anymore. We can also find burnout in that we've become detached and we like apathetic. Maybe cynical. That is a sign of burnout. you just start. Not caring. then the other component of burnout that I like to talk about is we have reduced effectiveness, right? We can no longer do what we could do before. And to me, all of those signs are assigned that you are in burnout or headed towards burnout. So when burnout happens in our nervous system, it's, to me, it's when we lose capacity. We lose capacity to do what we need to do. We can no longer do it. We go to push on the gas. It's not there. It does, we, some days we need that extra oomph, we need turbo and it's just not there anymore.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah, I think there's so much I could say there. I think capacity is a strong word. It's certainly a word that I am very interested in. right now in, in growing leaders' capacity, it's also something that I realize, I know what it feels like to feel like I have reached the capacity. There is nothing more than I can give. I am so upset. I am very apathetic about a certain portion of my life. Like I'm highly passionate about this and I'm gonna. Do everything but this part of it over here, whatever, that's a very disassociated, like when you said the word disassociated, like that's very, that's the disassociation that I can say was very evident in my life. That caused, that wreaked a lot of havoc that, that I created for myself, because I wasn't even aware that's what I was struggling with,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Exactly. It's like your nervous system had to make sense of you reducing what you could do, right? So that's why apathy shows up as your friend to be like, ah, forget that because you need to use your energy. What's left to focus on this? And so you know what happened is you were at capacity, but if we talk about it as if it was a jug or a container, you had a reduced capacity. And when we are leaders, sometimes the urgent takes over we forget that we're actually human and not machines.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah, I, the pushing through is something that is somewhere where we can certainly go, because even now I find myself like the default mechanism of pushing through, even though now I am aware. That my body keeps the score, that my body understands it more than my mind does, but my mind tells my body to keep going, and that is something that has just been ingrained in me. And even though I'm aware of it and I am better, I still struggle with slowing down at times. I'm better. And I adapt, but I see it. I'm aware of it. I feel it. so that's growth. That's growth,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:that is a hundred percent growth. And I love that you are aware of it,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:what we can name, what we're aware of, we can change. And so one of the things that I,'cause you're not alone the, for myself, what I have learned is I have certain signs. I am just pushing through sign is actually that I'm not hungry. sign for me because if I know I have gone say four hours without eating, but I'm not hungry, actually is a sign that my vagus nerve is in, activation, which. Pulls it away from getting hungry, right? Our gut has a brain of its own that's connected to the vagus nerve, which is, another way to describe our nervous system. So if you are not hungry, that likely you are running on adrenaline, cortisol, all these things as if you're being chased by a tiger you don't need to eat. in some ways when we are in that kind of hyperactivation it, our bodies don't need to eat because we're threatened by all that we have to do. So a sign for me when I get a pause or take a bio break and realize, oh my goodness, I haven't eaten for four hours and I don't feel hungry. That is a sign. I've probably been shallow breathing. I have not been slowing down in my day, so I don't know if that, like what would, do you have any awareness of what the signs are? I hear you. That your mind is let's just keep going. Let's just keep putting that to-do list ahead. But are there any signs in your body that you would say, give you an indication that you're just grinding it out?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:It's definitely not eating. I love to eat. I'll tell you, my husband is that he can go all day without eating and he, and that is just like not a thing. And I am just like, I love lunch. I love lunch. I love breakfast, but my husband is that, so I agree with that 100%. for me, I don't know, I think I can feel it in my reactions. I can feel it in the way that. the protective mechanism if it comes up. I understand. or if, I start feeling the tilt of resentment toward one way or another, like I have learned that is a sign for me that this is my problem. Whereas before I believed it was everybody else's fault, and I think. That could be further distilled down. When I start feeling like the victim, I have to start looking at me and not other people, because I have learned in my life that I have more control if I choose to use it. Am I choosing to use it? Erin,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yeah, I think that is such good awareness.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:you are tapping into, in my opinion, how I label it is people pleasers, right? When we are people pleasing or one another way that I describe it is when you are friends with flight, when you are a FLIR and an avoider. When you start feeling resentment, that is a
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:that you are not in your power, you are feeling helpless or powerless or like a victim, right? Use resentment a signal
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:ah, I'm not tapping into something for me.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:And not that this is you, so I just wanna clarify that, but if. pleasers are listening to What I wanna say in your nervous system is that likely in part, some part of your life, likely childhood, it served you well please someone. It really served you well. But now as an adult who is resourceful, who has probably time and money and other resources that are your own, what's happening is your nervous system isn't catching up. As you said, the body keeps the score. We, our body does not know where we are in time. Our nervous system is not interested in where we are in time. It is interested in protecting us, so it takes everything that's happened and it can come together in this exact moment. Which there is such power. That's why there's such power about becoming mindful about what is happening in this moment. Because when we connect our mind with what's happening, we can. Do what's called, get a distance of, oh, wait a second. I'm not back in my childhood where I actually didn't have the resources I have where I actually couldn't leave the room or when I couldn't speak up for myself, or where I really did need to please someone in order to avoid a consequence. Maybe it was anger or a relational threat. And so what we have to do in this case is. Recalibrate your sensor. And how we do that is, first of all, when we're people pleasing, our sensor is focused on everyone else first. And the way that our nervous system works is it we have to be focused on ourselves. when we're in the airplane, whose mask do we put on first? We put our air mask on and then help everyone else. so in that case. When we have a broken sensor, are focused on other people first. So sometimes just even having that awareness of allowing myself to check in what is urgent for me.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Stop. Sorry.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:I love that. We're just, all right, we're practicing. This is exactly what happens to the leaders listening. they're focusing and then something comes in and just interferes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:it's okay, how in this moment can we keep going and not be pulled away by the noise? be pulled away by the urgency of the dog that's in the room. How can I know in this moment what it is that I have prioritized in order for me to get home in a timely manner? when I have people coming up to me with their own sense of urgency, it is so helpful if I know what matters. To get my job done. As the captain, I'm the only one who can protect that order of things. And here's the thing, when we can remember that everyone around you they're asking for your time, they are doing their job of advocating for themselves. That's them in their best moment, but it's up to us to also show up in our kind of proverbial best by having boundaries. They don't know you're not available. They don't know you're on your way to another meeting. They're just interested in getting their needs met and so good for them. Honestly, if I can have that embodied experience, thank you for feeling safe enough to come up and ask me this question, and thank you so much for wanting this done for you, and I'm gonna have to check back in an hour. I'm off to a meeting. so and so can help you or right, like in that moment I can even have an appreciation for the ask again, that means someone feels safe enough with me to ask. when I have clarity of what it is I need to do, what is the most important thing in this moment? allows me to then set a boundary in a way that lands,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:In my cynical days, I would have said to you like, that's never gonna work. but it actually does work.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:It does work, but I love your cynicism, right? Because it's yes, I believe you, you can't imagine it yet you're so on the edge of burnt out or
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:realize your power. And I loved your episode about transitions because it does give you this hierarchy. What is the most important thing in this moment? And when we can internalize that. Which we get with experience. I think when we're not burnt out, when we can really have an hierarchy of what is the most important, it changes everything. And in my work in the Fierce Gentle community, my hierarchy is your nervous system is the most important. So if I need to take a bio break to go do some deep breathing, because I am so triggered in this moment, I'm gonna take responsibility to go have a bio break and do some very deep breathing, which a longer exhale helps, um, order to not say something that I can't take back. That's maturity.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:what we learn.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:It's so important.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:we learn.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:I really wanna be careful about, triggers, you to know when you're triggered. You can't help that. Your response to a trigger, what happens next is what you help, you cannot help when you get triggered that, that's an automatic response. Just like when we go into freeze, if any of you listening freeze or fawn, those are automatic. Biological responses. Once that happens, you cannot help it. Your body has gone into shut down. It is a biological, it is not a mental. Now that being said, we try to be build capacity awareness before you freeze to see if you can delay it or if you can keep it from happening. Or at after it happens. At what point do you start having an awareness that you're coming out of freeze coming out of your trigger that has, done something? Now, here's the thing. When we're frozen, guess what? We're shut down. The only way out of freeze is being activated. So sometimes that's where we. freeze, freeze, and then blow our top and say a whole litany of guess what? The way out of freeze is activation. And if that's me, what I need to own is I need to stay longer in that pause. Because if I'm gonna out very naturally, I'm using quotes, then that means every time I'm gonna blow my top. I haven't made a new habit, so it's okay, how can I honor that? My system wants to go from zero to a hundred in anger. means I probably need to go take a walk around the block.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah, I like this, emotional urgency because really inside senior living and inside healthcare in general, hospital healthcare,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yeah.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:skilled nursing, healthcare, senior living, healthcare, there is an emotional urgency. All the time it feels like, and when you work inside a community like this or a profession like this, there's so many trigger opportunities. There's a stat that comes from the KARE study of Trauma and resilience. There's 34% of the care force that works inside senior living, just senior living alone, and it's just the CARES force that have a ACEs score of four or more, 34%, which is double the general population. Now you're working with memory care residents who are gonna say and do a lot of different things.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Who are walking in their own, reality that are reverting back to certain situations and now they're living in a group element. you're working in independent living and assisted living where men or women will say things, do things that could be inappropriate and as much as there is a sense of belonging, as much as there is a sense of I can find love here, I can give love, I can receive love. You are walking into a profession that is full of triggers, especially with the internet and all the different things that are on the internet that people tend to get involved in when they're really bored and lonely. Okay.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Preach. Preach.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:depending on what your ACEs score is and what your experience was, there are a lot of opportunities to get triggered in a very significant way. And you know how that reaction comes out is really important because again, you could freeze. You could leave, you could just walk out of the shift, which we have seen multiple times and not know why.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Or as the leader, you are going to get somebody's fight reaction and we're gonna have no idea where it comes from. And this is emotional urgency. This is a female resident who comes to me as a leader because the neighbor who's a man asks. Knocks on the door and asks for sexual favors as if it was a cup of sugar. And then I have to deal with that, that is emotional urgency to somebody, and it's these are things that we have to deal with that can be lighthearted and funny, but also very scary and dark,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yes, percent. Exactly. and that's so important to realize where am I? Like when we're, when someone is on the way to work. I think it would be, it's, it can be so valuable to look at what is my capacity today? am I noticing? Do I, if I have lots of things going on at home and then I come into work and I know I don't have a lot of capacity, it's who can be your wing person? Because our systems work so well when we are. is a fancy way of saying, I feel safe with you. How can I find this safety? And so sometimes that's a way of okay, I don't have very much capacity. Who can I really ping off of?'cause our nervous systems are always in the process of pinging. So if I have low capacity. I'm in emotional urgency. Then guess what? That's, that is a recipe for lots of big feelings
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:and big reactions. So I love Dr. Barbara Frederickson's research. She has this concept called broaden and build. all around positive interactions and what she says is that positive interactions, one, we don't notice them when we're in fight or flight. So when we have an ACE score of four or higher. Our job is to know, okay, when I am in a great deal of stress, I am, I like lots, like these incidences that you say three or four of'em are happening all at once. I need to know that my nervous system is going to go back to reacting as it did probably in my childhood. what is familiar? nervous system goes to. So when we are in stressful situations, if I don't capture it, then there is a likelihood that I'm gonna have some responses that aren't good. if I have a, come from a lot of developmental trauma or even relational trauma in my adulthood, so that. That state of mind automatically has me looking for threats. the broaden and build says positive interactions are everywhere in our environment. the problem is they are a smaller, they last smaller. So unless, or shorter, they let, they're shorter in, in duration. So unless I'm noticing them. They don't land in the same way that the negative and the threats are landing. literally one of some of the ways that I build capacity I on the way into work. I'm looking around. I'm saying, color's the sky today? Look at the texture of that tree. What flowers are blooming, what colors are here? Because it's a reset, we know that awe and nature can help reset us, so I'm noticing that. I wanna encourage anyone who's a worrier on the way to work. cut that habit. You will do your best thinking when you are regulated. So on your way to work, build your capacity by taking the tongue off the roof of your mouth, by softening your jaw, by softening your eyes, I don't mean close your eyes. You're obviously driving. your hands. your breath. Take some deep breaths. This will help you, not worry, but when you get to work, then you can start thinking about solutions. Or if you've gotten to a regulated place, then we know that regulation and what we call free associating or daydreaming, really does. Help you problem solve. So if you can do that in the car, that's perfect. That's the way to think about work But Barbara's work would say capture those positive moments. You have to look for them, and if you can just sit with them, changes even the way your eyes look around the room. You literally take in more details when you are in a more positive state than if you aren't and they showed, the research and you can look her up. She has a TED Talk or whatnot, but. it's powerful when we can take in the good that is present even as we have this emotional urgency, we build our capacity in the face of urgent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:I know that to be true now, and I think about who I was like in the last eight months inside of the community, and I would've said, that doesn't change a thing. It's not gonna change a thing for me. But I was starting to realize that it does, because it is true. When you look for what's right, you're going to see it. And when your default mechanism is for what's wrong, you're gonna see it. if I was going to prove to myself that I wasn't valued that nobody knew who I was, all the things, there was plenty evidence for that because my brain was looking for it.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:That's right. We have a negative confirmation bias, we are what we believe. We're gonna look for evidence.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:very efficient that way,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:takes mindfulness.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:look at the con at the evidence that's contrary to that. So I, and it's I love the skepticism, yeah, be skeptical, but what does it lose to try it out?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:right.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:What do you have to lose to try it? If you're listening and you can relate to Aaron's skepticism,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:what do you have to lose to try it?
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:it is. It's a much better way to live, and it's a choice, which I think I didn't understand before that it was a choice. I thought that this crazy way I thought these defensive mechanisms I had were just built in. I had no idea that I literally could control it to some extent. to really make a fighting effort to say. look how pretty the sky is, and then to feel, I didn't know how to understand these sensations, to feel like the grip, the anxiety grip my heart was under to feel it relaxed. It's like you always had foreboding joy. You are always waiting for the next shoe to drop. it's just much better to enjoy the moment. While you're waiting for the next shoe to drop, and then if the next shoe drops, at least you have 30 minutes of joy.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:That is so true and I really came upon this truth. out of desperation and it seems part of you too, right? My, my rock bottom. And, I hope that you can, if you're listening here, just, make sure that you're grounded. I'm gonna share a trauma event for my family. Just keep breathing. my family is thriving is, my rock bottom was when my middle child died with stillbirth and I had a three and a half year old. She needed her mom. I was devastated. She was devastated. My husband was devastated, so our household was devastated. And yet a three and a half year old, a 4-year-old, still needs her parents. And so every single day I would go out, take a walk. I would watch the squirrels and I would have the capacity parent very presently as my daughter was making sense that her brother did not come home from the hospital and felt, had about that. The doctors. Stole the baby and things like that. And how do you build capacity in that moment? me, I did by going outside, by noticing the sun every single day. Every day the sunset comes up and it sets, and there was something about that devastation of just recognizing that a pausing, I'm not a morning person, so I only paused for sunset. But every day. And that is a tradition in our family. Deval pause for sunsets. And we were gifted that by Baby Long Beach I didn't realize when I was pregnant with him, of course, I didn't realize that was all the time that I was gonna get, I realized I was in urgency.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yep.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:was getting postdoc hours. I was teaching two classes. Again, my daughter. a wife and I thought I would enjoy him when he arrived and I never got that chance. And so I wanna say to all of you, I, we need to break the chains that you are, the urgent is always going to be there. we need to break the belief that if you don't get to it, it's gonna, your ship is gonna sink. No. What, what's being asked of you is to have a bit of trust you can do things differently and it's still going to survive that's what it asks. It's anxiety producing to stop the urgent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:totally anxiety producing until you do it
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:because it's unfamiliar to you.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:It is so true. It's so true. It is. it is so true. When you get to the other side, you're going to, you're going to look back and you're going to be like, oh God. So all, all, a lot of that was just me.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:lot of it was just me, the way I thought about it, the way I felt about it, because our body, if we can sum up these, a, if this sounds familiar, feeling like this is like a problem container all day. I'm carrying this all day. You're not alone because the two of us have felt that way
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yep. Yep.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:and you don't have to stay there. This entire episode has been how to shift that, and then you are not reacting to what's happening. And I think that's an very important awareness. They are not reacting to what's happening. When you have a fight response from somebody who has been triggered or you have your response, who has. Because you've been triggered. You're not reacting to what's happening in the moment. You're reacting to whatever it is that's unhealed inside of you from in the past, and your body is remembering what happened,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:in front of you is not to cause for that. It's not.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:That's right. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. I describe in a model that I created based off my training with the body. And it's, I matter, you matter, we matter at
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:That's good.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:and when I can hold all of those three things. Starting with me, I matter because I know my capacity in this moment. I know that it what's happening inside of me. When someone is coming at me with their fight response, do I need to pull someone in because I do not have capacity today, and so we need to be a team or can I appreciate this person's nervous system. Because I, I may have capacity and like it is my greatest desire to hear what you have to say, and I can see that you are very angry. So I am here to help you. Do you believe that? And sometimes asking the person a question
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yes.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:helps them get into right when we're in the fight response. We're in our limbic system and when we ask someone a question, we are giving them the opportunity to pull up into their prefrontal cortex, which is their brain. when we are in a fight or flight response, we need our thinking brain. So what do you hear me saying? Is a great question, or do you believe that I'm here to help you? That can be a great question for redirecting if, sometimes I can say, hold on. You're giving me a lot. Let me repeat back to you what I hear you saying. That is a way that I can keep in my prefrontal cortex because if I know I'm losing it, but I have to keep reflecting back to the person what they're saying. That is incredibly helpful for me to make sure I'm listening accurately.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:and then that's where we get the we matter, because now suddenly we're asking questions and then we're answering them. So
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:I love that you matter here. I matter here and together. We matter here, so we need to work through this together.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:That's a deescalating very quickly. and I love how you said earlier that regulation, your regulation as a leader is a leadership skill and in the emotional urgency that we have inside the healthcare profession. That's really important because I'll speak for me, because I was a servant type leader. I gave everything I had. I realize now that's not the appropriate way to get people to do things. You can still give everything, or you can still give a lot, but if you're not receiving, if you're not plugging in, if you're not growing, you don't have anything to give.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yes,
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:And so you have got to stop giving and learn how to plug in and to start receiving because that is how you give. As a servant leader, as somebody who values people, as somebody who's passionate about improving the lives of other people, you have to improve yourself,
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:a hundred percent. A hundred percent.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:and I love that regulation is literally building your capacity. It is a skill. I
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:A hundred percent right.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:love that.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:like listening to this podcast is a way give to yourself, people who are on your team. That is everything also in, in, emotional regulation. Now, I do wanna say
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:when we are in burnout, we're exhausted cynicism, we can have a tendency to vent and there is nothing wrong with venting. But here's where I wanna make my point about venting. If you keep sharing the stressful stories, your body does not know that it's not happening real time. So when you say things, when you're telling a story, right? And part of my intro for when I share about my son's death, it's Hey, let's all ground ourselves because I want my nervous system to know, hey, that we're in present time. So when we're venting and sharing about our day, we need to make sure that it feels differently in our body when we're sharing it The second or third time. And if it's not, then you're just recreating the stressful situation and your body is not getting downtime. So really think about, do you need to share this or can you share it from a position of, Ugh, the emotional urgent did not stop today and my system feels like it's been beat up. That's a way different way than telling the stories one after the other of what happened. And so I just wanna invite you to try that method and see if it actually helps your system come down. Because again, what's familiar, if you're used to doing the hamster wheel and going and going and going and never stopping, you are, you're gonna keep that going at home. Because that's what's familiar to your system, and so we need opportunities to reset, and when we reset, we can reset by doing things like meditating. We can do things like yoga, we can do things like, this is what we do in my fierce, gentle community. We do a grounding exercise every single time, because otherwise, it's almost like asking a fish to describe what wet is. You're not outside of your nervous system, you can't really describe it. Like you said, when you got awareness of it, it changes everything. But there's also people who are more frozen and I feel like they sometimes get under unnamed. Okay? So for my freezers in burnout, you cannot take a hot bath. That just reinforces your frozen state. Yes, it will take some of the stress out. Epsom salt baths are great for you. That's not what I'm saying, but you need to get something else. Maybe you need to get to a spin class. Maybe you need to get to a brisk walking club. Maybe you need to get to a kickboxing class, know where you are when your system is exhausted. Do you actually go into hyperdrive or do you freeze? And you need the opposite to help reset you.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:So true. You are important. You cannot help anybody if you cannot help yourself. she just gave us examples of how to steward. Your nervous system and we've gotta shift our mindset from control and manage to steward, to lead, and to guide. And as a leader, you can set that example inside of your community. When you are practicing it yourself, no one's coming to save you. So if you are the one that's driving to work, listening to this or home from work, and you're already gripping the steering wheel and you're breathing shallow and you're bracing for impact. If that was me, just take a deep breath, just like Dr. Kimber just said, and learn how to identify your nervous system. Learn. Learn from people maybe in your community who are overreacting. do you feel the same way inside? And when you're triggered, do you overreact that way too? What are those moments? Because those triggers are invitations to look at you
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Yes.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:say, Hey, where is this coming from? It's not who you are. I think that people make that mistake. These are invitations. These are little teaching. These are little lights, like your tire's low on your car. Like these are little lights. something's not right here. Something's not right here.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:that.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:so you can't keep others warm. By burning out, you cannot control people. You cannot love people enough. They can only fix themselves. You can only regulate and become aware of yourself, and that's how you grow your capacity is to becoming more aware. And Dr. Kimber just gave us a masterclass and how to do that. Thank you.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:so much.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yeah. So anything, any last words that you want to say?
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:you matter.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Yep.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:are a sacred being and you're not alone. You are not alone. And if you are on the edge of burnout or you're e or before you're in burnout, but you're in fight or flight all
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Mm-hmm.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:your body has gone potentially into a place where you're not utilizing your fellow companions for regulation because we go into self-protective mode. So how can you embody? You are not alone. Again, burnout can be like, I work with idiots, I work with idiot. Like that belief over and over again. Of course you're not gonna be pinging out for help, right? Your system is gonna be like, I gotta do it all. So how can we rewrite your story? Just capture your thoughts. Notice what you're saying, what you're thinking. is that driving you to be regulated That's your responsibility is you can capture what you're thinking because thinking is feeling in your body. Your body is going through whatever you're thinking, even if you're keeping thoughts to yourself. People say all the time in my practice, oh, but I never say it. It's matter. It oozes out of you, it oozes out. You are highly nonverbal. All of us are. it oozes out. So That would be the, probably the only thing is are not alone. leaning into that and again, thank you for having me along for the ride, and it's been just such a gift to be with you, Aaron.
squadcaster-a0a1_1_10-24-2025_120752:Absolutely. Pleasure is all mine. And if you want more support, you can listen to Dr. Kimber's podcast. I thought I was over this. Or join her community, fierce and gentle. and if this is calling you, if you hear this, if you saw yourself on fire listening to this, or you felt the call to start noticing the roses, name what you're carrying and remember, stewarding you is the best thing that any company, any community, any resident, any associate could ever want from you. And let's not even talk about your family. Okay. So boundaries are important. You are important, and as Dr. Kimber says, we matter. and that's the whole premise of aspiring for more, knowing that you're already enough. So have a great day, and thank you for listening.
kimber-del-valle_1_10-24-2025_100753:Thank you.